13 Mar Why do so many brewers have beards? Indiana On Tap’s Charlie Sasse Investigates
Everyone knows that most brewers have beards, but have you ever asked yourself why? This question was asked of me early in 2015 and I had no answer. I asked some industry buddies and always received the same lame responses: “I don’t work in corporate America any more,” “I don’t have to be mainstream working at a brewery,” “because I can,” etc. There are brewers that do not have a beard such as Louis with Flat12, the Deviate boys, Adam Avery, and Elise with Scarlet Lane just to name a few. They are the exception to the rule though. If you ask them, I imagine you will get answers like; beards have become mainstream in craft beer, so we are bucking the trend (Deviate), because I am in my 40’s and am popular with super hot 20 somethings (Avery), or I am a woman (Elise). My amazing investigative reporter senses were tingling and I knew there was more to this story!
In the summer of 2015 I began growing my soon-to-be-luscious facial pubes in order to go undercover. Once grown out, I began hanging out with the head beards from several breweries fishing for the truth. After months of buying beard oil, baby lion seal fur hair brushes, and illegally imported Black Rhino horn mustache combs, I was finally allowed into the inner beard sanctum. The bi-monthly meeting place is located under a very famous monument in the center of Indianapolis. When you walk in, the aroma of essential oils and hops overcomes your senses. Simcoe and Amarillo vines cover the walls, crystal decanters of exotic yeasts bubble on the tables, woven baskets of germinated ancient grains are piled in the corners, and amazing beer flows through the cracks in the walls. This place is a beer nerds dream!
After a couple of visits I noticed that people would disappear into a back room for hours at a time. When I asked about it, I was told the room housed a VIP restroom, and I was not yet a VIP! For months I kept track of who was going in and how often. What I found was everyone but myself was going to the VIP restroom and they all went back once per meeting. The senses were tingling again and I had to find out what was really going on. I asked how I could become a VIP, and was told that I had to work at a brewery in order to receive the invite.
The next day I groomed my beard and applied the peppermint and mocha beard oil that was attached to the invitation. On my way to the secret meeting I thought I felt my beard slightly vibrate, but figured it was my imagination. When I entered the room everyone was adorned in robes made from old malt sacks and chanting something that sounded like an orchestrated series of grunts, clicks, pops, and squeals. I couldn’t make it out, and I was pretty sure it wasn’t a language from this world. I was grabbed by several sets of hands and a malt sack was thrust over my head. A few minutes, and about 25 feet later, the sack was pulled off and I stood in front of a light show that would make any teen on hallucinogens jealous. My beard began to vibrate again and the light show began to make the same sounds I heard when I arrived, only this time I could understand. The beard oil I was given was actually alien DNA and my beard was the host!
The DNA bonded with my facial hair and became a symbiotic life form. I learned the alien’s name was Stan and he came to Earth in the early 90’s after depleting all of the yeast on his home planet, Hipsteron. Their plan is to feed on all of the yeast Earth has to offer and then move on to the next world. The reason Stan chose to inhabit the beards of brewers is that there is no better place to get wild yeast than in the dirty beard of a brewer. Stan gave the brewers recipes they never could have imagined and helped them streamline their brewing processes for max efficiency. It was a match made in… well the basement of a monument.
After learning this, I broke loose from the grasp of the brewers holding me and ran for the door knocking people over like bowling pins! As I reached the door I felt my beard start pulling me back toward Stan. Every step became a little harder and my beard pulled a little more. I ignored the pain and kept chugging forward. I jumped in my car and sped home, being chased by Stan’s bearded minions until I lost them in Speedway. I hurried home and ran into my bathroom to grab my clippers. They wouldn’t turn on! I grabbed the kitchen shears and began cutting my beard off as quickly as possible. I could hear little screams coming from my beard with every cut and it helped me to finish the job. Once I was freshly shaven and had thrown away the thousands of dollars worth of oils and other beard related accessories I bought, I could tell that Stan no longer had control over my face.
Let this be a lesson to all, not having to shave is a convenience that none of us can afford! You think you are not being mainstream or you are not shaving because you don’t have to, but in reality you are growing a warm and inviting place for Stan to sit. I am aware this story is hard to believe, and some may say crazy, but my bearded friends be warned. Stan is coming and he is looking for your face!
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