07 May The Untold Story of Metal Music’s Influence on Craft Beer
Sometimes I hear a piece of a conversation, and the info sticks with me, tickling my brain. I recently had an MRI/MRA, and there IS something in my gigantic head other than weird facts, beer, and dirty jokes. Recently I overheard someone ask, “Why do breweries love such loud music with a singer who just screams at you the entire time?” I tried thinking back to visits I have made to breweries and remember what genre of music was playing. Most of the time it was some form of loud, crunchy guitar, drum soloing, screaming/growling rock music turned up to 11. With all the genres of music, it is hard to make a blanket statement that it is all the same. It could have been Heavy Metal, Black Metal, Punk, Pop Punk, Swedish Death Metal, Metalcore, Thrash, etc. Far too many to list, but you see the trend.
In general, the music consists of awesome guitars backed up by fast drums with a singer that sounds like a lion roaring with a mouth full of antelope. Having grown up listening to great bands like Suicidal Tendencies, Black Flag, Judas Priest, Social Distortion, and Faith No More, I like it. I wondered, though, how did this music become the “go to” music for craft breweries? I did a little research and learned some interesting things.
Some people believe it is due to the similarities between metal and craft beer beginnings. Both started and a revolution quickly began, especially in the USA, with people choosing sides. Either you liked metal, or you weren’t hardcore enough, or too old. Either you liked craft beer, or you were not cool enough, or too old. Others believe it was because people like Todd Haug (Surly Brewing Co.), former and guitarist for Powermad, began brewing beer. I even heard someone say it is a generational thing, but multiple generations are brewing at different breweries listening to the same music. For example, Todd Haug (Surly) and EZ (Flat 12) have quite a gap between them age wise, but you might hear the same music decimating ear drums in both breweries. *Also, if you follow EZ on Twitter (@erik_fox) you will see the transition from a baby-faced kid drinking Boones Farm wine, to the unkempt hardened craft beer drinking brewer you see today. I can only think the craft beer industry has caused the change, and for the better. No one likes the wine; they like the $2.50 price tag and the cheap drunk
What I found was these so called labels were at the end of a long list of shell companies owned by the evil BIG BEER companies! I was shocked that this could happen unnoticed by all of us craft beer fans, but it did. The heads of these labels were VPs and Directors at one of the big breweries. They wear fake tattoo sleeves (the one’s kids wear at Halloween), dark eye makes up, wigs, black fingernails, and fake nose rings to throw us off their tracks. On the weekends, they remove all the makeup, yuck it up in their McMansions, have catered block parties, and drink hard root beer. After golf lessons and an afternoon at the spa of course.
Big Beer is always trying to find new ways to infiltrate and ruin craft beer from the inside. This may be their best effort yet! No one suspects a guy who looks like he could have worked the freak tent at the circus (in the old days) of being a corporate spy. “That is Sloppy Joe, and I have known him forever. He couldn’t be working with Big Beer, Bro!” was what one source claimed. When I showed her pictures of “Sloppy Joe” sitting in his manicured2o-acre lawn wearing a white sweater vest, matching shoes, holding a Macro Lite, with his costume removed, she couldn’t believe her eyes. “Sloppy Joe” was Joseph Goldstein, of the New Hampshire Goldstein’s, and is well known as being anti-craft beer. This could shake the foundation of both music and craft beer.
After my source had confronted Goldstein, I began receiving letters from big city lawyers ordering me to turn over all of my research materials. I received a gag order one day claiming if I shared any of this info I could be sued for damages in the seven figure range. When I ignored all of this and kept digging, I started receiving thinly veiled threats against myself and my family. People started following me; my storage locker was broken into, and my daughter’s grades were being lowered unexplainably. I fought through it all, but when my beer cellar was cleaned out I knew things were getting serious! I packed the beer I had hidden and rented a small cabin in the middle of the woods under the alias P. Oopy Pantalones. After a few months living off of aged stouts, tree bark, squirrel meat, and Spanish moss (I wished I had stopped at a store on the way) I finally completed this article exposing the truth!
Next time you are listening to your new favorite band, think about who is truly promoting them. Is your favorite new band on a legitimate record labels, or did they sign with a label owned by Big Beer and trying to destroy your favorite brewery? **I know this seems like a far-fetched story, and you are probably shaking your head wondering why you just wasted 5 minutes of your life reading this trash, but you have been warned. Big Beer is the new Boogie Man, and they are coming for you and your favorite craft beer!
Keep drinking great beer and talking about it; I know I will!
*I honestly have no idea what EZ was drinking before working for breweries, but I like to think it was Boones Farm and Skol Vodka from a ½ gallon plastic jug.
** It should since it is fiction and I wrote it in about 15 minutes with no references and made-up people. Except Todd Haug and EZ, they are real boys.
No Comments